I HAVE A STRANGE HOPE. YOU WERE SITTING READING. SUDDENLY YOU KNEW YOU WERE BEING WATCHED. THIS WAS ONLY THE BEGINNING OF A TRUE PARANOIA… THAT OVER THE NEXT TEN THIRTEEN THEN EIGHTEEN YEARS WOULD COME TO ENCOMPASS ALL YOUR ACTIVITIES… YOU HAD NO SECRETS. YOU HID NOTHING FROM YOURSELF. YOU WERE AFRAID. BUT YOU EXERCISED GREAT SELF-CONTROL. EVEN YOUR CRIMES SERVED YOUR FEAR. AND THE BETRAYALS CAME AS NATURALLY AS SEASONAL CHANGE… I HAVE A STRANGE HOPE… THAT BEGAN ON THE DAY I KNEW I WAS BEING WATCHED. AND OVER THE NEXT TEN THIRTEEN THEN EIGHTEEN YEARS LED ME INTO THE STRONG EMBRACE OF A TRUE PARANOIA. INTO THE GRIP OF FEAR. INTO THE TRAP OF CRIMES… FROM WHICH I KNEW BETRAYALS WOULD FOLLOW… AS NATURALLY AS RAIN… I TOOK ON FAITH DENIAL. LOSS… THE SORT OF LOSS THAT BRINGS NO CHANGE… THIS WAS MY FAITH… GREAT SELF-CONTROL… I HAVE A STRANGE WISH NOW. A STRANGE HOPE… AS EVERYTHING HAS BEEN HIDDEN FROM ME TO SEE ONLY THROUGH AN OUTSIDER’S EYES. I STAND AT THE BEGINNING OF MY WORLD… AND THAT’S THE WHOLE IDEA… I HAVE A STRANGE HOPE: A NEW FEAR… A TRUE PARANOIA HAS HELD ME IN ITS STRONG EMBRACE OVER THE LAST TEN THIRTEEN THEN EIGHTEEN YEARS… AND NOW IT HAS BETRAYED ITSELF TO ME AS NATURALLY AND BLINDINGLY AS SUNSHINE IN THE DESERT… MY NEW FEAR IS THIS… AS AT THE BEGINNING OF MY WORLD. MY LOSS NOW MIGHT HAVE CHANGED ME… AS IT CHANGES US ALL… MY STRANGE HOPE IS THIS: THAT LOSING THE LOVE OF FEAR. AND STEPPING AWAY FROM THE STRONG EMBRACE OF ITS CONTROL. WE FIND OURSELVES STANDING AT THE BEGINNING OF THE WORLD IT HAS CREATED. UNCERTAIN… BUT IN RECOGNITION OF EACH OTHER.
25/4/’98
