II.vii

I was never your prince. Tho I kissed you and you kissed me back. I’m as jealous as a greenblooded frog. I’m as jealous as if I saw the vid and you were Tommy Lee. U know I want your future cos I’m jealous of your past. & I gave you more helpings of my love than U deserve. Damaged, love, not schizo. I’ve met the schizo. They’re not quite so blithe as U might think. Damage misguides U into self-administered treatments: therapies of separation, satiation, saturation, drowning, clowning, laughing, lightning, ionising, fucking those around U round. I’m so jealous of U for winning your shallowness from your depths. I’m jealous your mean mouth will presently leech another love for your therapeutic good. I’m jealous of your meanstreak, your hatred of fathers, your mean friends – who therapeutically assist in the process of superfacing, over-compensating for their lack of feeling with a surfeit of bad conscience. I was never your prince – and I could love U thusly. Cringing with joy at the shit U took on in your missile guidance system for your self-deterrence/-preservation. I want my love back & my jealousy. That U rated only as a score. Gd knows U took on more than U expected, than you have the spat upon. “more time with yrself.” If U have the self U want far be it for me to judge. Gd knows I rated U as a catch, a snatch-catch, with catches: & I got caught. By the balls again, hanging from your shrubbery. Your legs are good. Your eyes are good. Your heat. Your meat. Your flesh. Your marrow. Your bone is hard. Built around a phallogocentric size-envy. I was never your prince. I was never big enough. Fool when U wanted man. Man when U wanted fool. More helpings of my love than U deserve or can pay for. All I can say is “children of the same code” – soul-partners mebbe. U wanna have a lite before U diet? U wanna diet b4 U lite up? I said, Look at this people. Look at it! U have not heart in U to hate. Lukewarm-blood goat stepping cloven on everyone who provides a stepping-heart. Look at this people: superficial price, superficial value, market rates apply. No. I don’t cringe that way. No. I don’t bend that way. I can’t accept the cringe with the ‘ttraction. Tho I tried wive U. I I I tried. It was most trying. Knowing what I’ve always known about U. & jealous therewith. Jealous for your thin skin. Lets every lite in, gives the faintest ‘llumination out – over time grows dimmer – dimmer still. . Eats abortions for breakfast like a Russian. Rushin’ every-where/-which way – not to feel a shitdamn itch or inth of real feelin’. I could feel sorry. I’m-a-still-as-yet-a-lickin’-my-balls. Whadda tha fucks tha next level of relationship – tha part where U can pay? Sugar-mammy? The part where love is better? Tha part where heart is larger? tha part where pain is breakier? Tha place where trust shakier? Past easy-able-to forsak-ier? But U fuckin’ feel donna U ma love? U ferkin feel – when U call upon yerself to feel. Bit U can cut it off like a switch/ speshly when it involves tha Father. Tha Farther U go with tha Father. Tha Farster U cun switch it orff. I don’t give a shit ’bout ma theory of ya, ma formula, jest as U don’t give a shit since as you’ve given me time to formulate one. I was never yr. Prince, mammy. U never saved me. U never saved yr.self but U shoulda saved yr.self the trouble a kissing a greenblooded frog. wantin’ tha total. tha add-up. tha price-in-full b4 payment. b4 a-lovin’. N. N U never split from me. U prevaricated with the promise of a holiday. We sat down calmly face to face & planned a partial split/spilt/punctuation point. U never had the heart to split. I can only rate that if U can love as unconditionally as U can’t hate. Mama. Yea, I vacillate. I vacillate ‘tween lovin’ U N lovin’ U so bad N needin’ U N wantin’ U like the Man behind the Fool. U ain’t nuthin new. Since as, in this occasion, Your decision Or news or your decision reached me one whole week after your dissimulation. “Let’s call it a holiday for the children’s sake.” I keep holding open these doors 4 U. Talkin’ to U. . ‘F’U can’t love as unconditionally as U can’t hate then every ounce is on the mirror – weightless. Without value. Tha credible liteness of bean. Yis, U may say. Yis, Sss-sss sss true: U canna trust me, U canna love me, U canna touch me, U canna love me, U canna touch me, U canna love me, U canna reach me, U canna pass a time of day, with me, U canna love me, U canna sex me, U canna reach me, U canna teach me, U canna, woman me, U canna man me, U canna can me, U canna kiss me, U canna fond me, U canna fundamental me, U canna wife me, U canna trouble me, U canna trouble me 4 I am empty, U canna love me, U canna split me ‘tween ma schizophrenic self, U canna woo me, U canna romance me, U canna see me, U canna talk me inna anything, U canna talk me outta anything, U canna hate me, U canna wait 4 me, U canna plate me, U canna serve me, U canna look after me, U canna help me, U canna reach me, U canna poison me, U canna feel me, U canna impregnate me, U canna bear me, U canna feel tha weight of me – I been feelin’ tha weight of you for 3 years N U ain’t heavy but U is heavy – U canna steal me, U canna stele me, U canna rush me, U canna finite me, tho’ U B finite 2, U canna finite me, U canna force me U canna make me try – cos I tried, like Milly without tasting – U canna trap me, U canna free me, U canna save me, U canna dig me, U canna love me, U canna fuck me, U canna touch me, U canna kiss me, U canna follow me, U canna lily me, U canna bribe me, U canna touch me, U canna couch me, U canna accommodate me, U canna confuse me, U canna hit me, U canna wake me, U canna dream me, U canna ream me, U canna rim me, U canna rhyme me, U canna love me, U canna shave me, U canna free me, U canna split me – along my lines of responsibility, U canna grow me up, U canna trump me, U canna game me, U canna blame me, U canna B angry with me, U canna reign me in, U canna understand, U canna love me. I was never your prince. He was in your self-sufficient dreaming long B4 as a deterrable nightmare. Fuck U but this door is always open. Bitch. This door is always open not because I love u but because of much more than that. I will not come around. But I leave it. fk U fk U fk U. I hope your heart severs from your bone so I can lay it down and have it. Wot a poor child i am. for this wot a weak inkling i have. but i unlove u so. Lest U think I am despite myself & my health in love with U, I will do all in my power to love U less. Until then, unloved, I rest, my only snatch-catch bitch from hell, in sickness as in health, til death do us both in, fik U, , be my troth, my off, my nay-said, my pillow of dead feathers, my unfashionable, my enough-said, my fk, my lead-lined, my trough my bile, my miracle, my Heil, I love U & hurt & jerk 4 U more than U know: be my fkn filthy as U R my shame, I will be yr. blame, I’ll be yr. acid, , I’ll be yr. lite if U’ll keep yur diet, I’ll hunger like the original sinful pear of pairs if you’ll butt my carcase up home where tryst is too stupid-fking a word for what if U even give the slightest bit of interest awaits U. U’re not my last ditch; U’re my first complaint.