The Clouds

I wanted to be lying in the sun.
But I wasn’t.

I wanted to shut my eyes and see the light flicker.
While the clouds queued up to pass across the face of the sun.

I wanted to lie on a rock
like a basking lizard.

I wanted to be strong.
But I wasn’t.

A fear had hold of me.
I was afraid this heaviness would not lift.

I looked away from you
and you still expected me to say something.

What could I have said?

My voice sounded shrill and alien,
on the edge of panic.

With every moment the expectation grew.
And I couldn’t move.

But worse even than this,
I could only imagine ruining everything that I loved.

Spoiling everything.

Making an effort to enjoy something
when there was no enjoyment to be had.

If I lay back now and closed my eyes
the heat would only feel oppressive.

And the clouds would cast long shadows
that chilled me.

To a depth the blazing sun would never reach.