I wanted to be lying in the sun.
But I wasn’t.
I wanted to shut my eyes and see the light flicker.
While the clouds queued up to pass across the face of the sun.
I wanted to lie on a rock
like a basking lizard.
I wanted to be strong.
But I wasn’t.
A fear had hold of me.
I was afraid this heaviness would not lift.
I looked away from you
and you still expected me to say something.
What could I have said?
My voice sounded shrill and alien,
on the edge of panic.
With every moment the expectation grew.
And I couldn’t move.
But worse even than this,
I could only imagine ruining everything that I loved.
Spoiling everything.
Making an effort to enjoy something
when there was no enjoyment to be had.
If I lay back now and closed my eyes
the heat would only feel oppressive.
And the clouds would cast long shadows
that chilled me.
To a depth the blazing sun would never reach.
