thigein & conatus

a musical interlude–takes me back to chapter two you know who

thigein & conatus

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a present, small piece for Z.

what do I still want to know about the world?

	will it it take me under its wing

	it will not take me under its wing

do I fight in the storm of it? do I fight the storm

	I do not fight storms

	and its cruelty do I call it out on that?

who do I tell

I don’t

	tell on the world

I would praise who I would tell

	and no one is worth that praise

	is no one worthy of that praise?


that praise

	is due the world

6 . 1 . 2022 on the occasion of 
my son’s birthday

luz es tiempo
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thigein & conatus

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sketches of Kawaeranga

don’t trust bird stories

they have short lives

	are pleased to please themselves

	tell of quick movement

quick and alive and

don’t trust the pain of trees

	they bear up the sky


the sky is blue


	the big kauri on the ridge

supports half the sky

	calls endlessly for help

distresses the children

for brothers and sisters’


to the wind

	distresses its

over a thousand



my ankle gave way on the tramline

	coming down the cutting

no tram

	no trestle

the dams remains

	no kauri

numbers to support the efforts

	taken to remove them

the exorbitant efforts


4 . 1 . 2022

luz es tiempo
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thigein & conatus

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for Neill

           I lay on a deep land mountain high dreaming around the spaghetti

tonsilled bird awallow

       hello on a brassfretted dawn

was a coldlicked clear day

a smoke wisp blue tongue sky

       in a hemhigh coat hat combo

say a patchjacket headjazz throwback affair for a hat

       shouldering a sky set brick hard

                 a doorknock studio

       on an alley narrow street

a note played till dawn under a lemonade sky

       you don’t have to be sick

like his mum brought and he brought to drink

                 when we lived in a cave

love held sobre steady

sailtaut like a cablecar wire

for the sheer drop

notes like boltcutters

swoopfingered on the loose

from highbrow to low toe

       the full jazz

gingering that slackwire

       toeing that line link that ear rig

no luck in it

from chance start to at last


to occupy the vast reaches of space

I occupy the stars.

31 . 12 . 2021

luz es tiempo
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thigein & conatus

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completing a short series up to christmas

my mother and my father are far away

and huddled together

	against the weather

they look hopefully out
to the sea as if one of us is coming

	to pick them up

and the odd thing is that they
show no resentment at the lateness
	in their faces

as they would normally do and

are unconcerned by the violence

	of the weather

I suppose in some way it

is in them too yet

	they huddle

my father slightly taller

than my mother

	they are small people

their faces set and looking out

as I have said

	without resentment

without acceptance as they have

never accepted anything to be


they are not two people in a storm

not a microcosm or a couple

	for whom

the other suffices

is satisfactory

	and provides

not everything the other

needs that would be even
	for the most ideal couple

if not impossible then unlikely

no but since they are not looking

	out for others

it seems each is looking out

to the sea for something

	that the other needs

and they are looking out

together for each other

	and if

they are looking out for us

it has got to be precisely

	because a mother

needs a son to come and

pick her up and a father too

	needs a son

whom he has not finished

saying everything he needs

	to say to and


never will and a mother needs
her children not to know

	she needs them as much


as they need her


	if not more

24.12.2021 – 28.12.2021

luz es tiempo
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thigein & conatus

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a short series up to christmas

I think of the demands of people

	they fill my dreams and I

cannot satisfy them. Perhaps
	they can’t be satisfied. Yet,

woken by birds and the light of day

	that is always sudden, I still

hear talking. Being polite’s been

	overtaken by the demands of

sociability. That’s a fact. So why do I

	find it so hard to get my head

around? I mean, now children are

	to be heard, and not seen, and,

I mean, it’s a fact of growing up that

	we communicate more and more,

but, by saying we, I don’t know what

	I mean. Who, after all, is
growing up? If there’s a threshold of

	respect, I can honestly say

I have not crossed it. So the demands

	turn to insults, with the full meaning

the word has of a physical insult, that is
	worse than an injury. And like the

victim of injury, even sleeping I have

	a sense of shame and harbour it

when I am woken. And carry it, like a

	small broken heart or a bird,

hidden in my palm, throughout the day.

23 . 12 . 2021

luz es tiempo
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thigein & conatus

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a short series up to christmas

a pot sits on the stove
the accused sits there
	in the pot

				no recording devices
				are permitted in the
				   changing rooms

the information
at my fingertips
   cases differ

				the facts stay the same
			        my blood is cold anyway
					I can’t wait

      to enter the house
to prepare the medication
to see things as they were
	as you were

				recall a time
			all the impressions of

  to touch you
  on the head
like a child and

				like a judge

22 . 12 . 2021

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thigein & conatus

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a short series up to christmas

a small colourful bundle

	arrived yesterday

We must trade offline

first inclination

	to propose it, in this form

Must be kind

“the mystery you would be

	I would unfold, pausing at the mystery

Be careful

“of unfolding, trembling fingers

	following soft bifurcations...

We must move

moments laid bare, a trail

	"unwound wonder wounds"

To a new form of life

of fragmentary insights, like

	garments, or threads

We must change now

teasing or warning? to propose

	to time, unlike anything in

Now each of us recognises

the original bundle,

	here, its skin

In the other the same need

and every moment of its skin

	unwound, veins and neurons

In a nutshell, I want to say a skull,

minute, fractions of Horror

	and Love,

We are bound

a colourful bundle

	arrived yesterday

We must not break down.

21 . 12  . 2021

luz es tiempo
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thigein & conatus

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“That the Holocaust…” —Jacqueline Rose: on getting stuck inside your mind by experience, as a traumatic diktat

…could have become a premise–that is, a proposition which produces its own logical conclusions–is striking, or rather strikingly different from seeing it, for example, as unrepresentable atrocity, as unassimilable, or barely admissable trauma in the way Judith Butler, citing Primo Levi, has so powerfully described…

— Jacqueline Rose, The Last Resistance, 2017, p. 214

— Antoni Tàpies, lithograph

As I thought about it, it seemed to me that the idea of ‘premises’ as diktat over the future might also do as a working definition of trauma. When I was studying Sylvia Plath a long time ago, and trying to understand the appearance of the Holocaust motif in her writing as something other than the opportunism of which she was accused, I read an article by German psychoanalyst Ilse Grubrich-Simitis on working with second-generation Holocaust survivors that has stayed with me ever since. She described how the language of these patients was characterised by a dull, thudding referentiality, with no mobility or play, as if they were saying–in a way only made clear after the most difficult analytic listening–‘this happened,’ ‘happened‘ ‘happened‘ over and over again, to compensate for the silence, the psychic refusal to acknowledge the reality of the Holocaust, in the generation before. And in one of his evocative articles, ‘The Trauma of Incest’ of 1989, psychoanalyst Christopher Bollas describes how trauma shuts down the mind of the patient. The problem is not believing what they say, but the fact that that is all they have to say, so that there is nowhere else left for them to go inside their minds.

— Ibid., 215

thigein & conatus

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sixty-eighth part, called “on movement LXVIII,” of a series of ‘letters’ written to you, the reader, towards a book called, theatre | writing

on movement

Why is there misapprehension? is it out of malevolence? Is it out of malevolence your signals are misunderstood? that they are taken for meaning something far away from your actual desire? And the desired meanings, they have somehow been wrested from you.

Now they are being used to control you, so you should suppress them. You really ought to exercise self-control. And is it with a kind of malevolence then that you turn on yourself, practice austerities on your own libidinal economy, at least inasmuch as the messaging is concerned? And isn’t it with sadness you look at the comments, take literally the feedback, which might not be unkind, might be of the kindest sort and might have the best intentions behind it, but feeds back by a closed loop into the structured economy of your identity, exercising a control which becomes a suppression?

Must suppress internal difference, you don’t think it, you do it. Especially the most internal difference of all, sexual difference is given over to the comedy of mistaken identity. That is, it is identified with the symbol for it, with which one should, such is its morality, identify oneself.

Fraudulence—what is its source? Well, in play are the symbols, each one of which, like the smallest gesture, expresses a world. But what has happened to the choice of world? What has happened to its decision? And what has happened to the cut?

It’s a craze, a frenzy, we have said, and a froth, buried under layers and layers of similarly mobile surfaces. A metastasis, we have named it, belonging to a metastatic temporality. For each particle of the subject, all the human parts are instantaneously reassembled. And the sign itself is left outside, so each one, static on its surface, is like a doughnut. Each expands with such rapidity, internalising its outside, the hole, externalising structure, so avid for expansion, it goes unnoticed. The misapprehension of the crowd is like a yeast working from the outside and froth of oil slicking and lubricating the surface of the public comedy, the local slapstick.

Each has these three mythic parts… then why misapprehension? because the symbolic is exactly that which cannot grab hold of them, only gesture towards them, either inwards or outwards, centrifugally or centripetally …having the structure of a subjective economy: this goes for the whole socius; identity, given the economising motif of its lack, its in-the-hole-ness; and a toroidal, or doughnut-shaped feature of completion and continuity, throughout society: the famous circular economy. The famous circular economy stands here for the myth. The myth stands for the foundation. This is human in that it feeds back, to the extent that power here is circular.

Misapprehension, the flaw in the myth, goes from crowd to individual. Individual is mobilised. But this does not account for the apprehension of, the feeling of not being understood, that, introjected, spirally, becomes, I am a fraud. We might here be describing false consciousness, reinscribing the individual into the ideological state apparatus, except that what we are describing is the object of it, its outside. Where? …the hole… and if we could only join up, not the fatty tissue of inflating yeasty dough suspended in bubbly grease, but the holes, we should see fissures and cracks start to form.

Going from the crowd into the individual, in fact, all shame is from the social institution. The very same can be said of the foundation myth. So there is shame in marriage in the same way as there is shame in the self. Shame in theatre: we have seen before, in the beginning actor, in her hesitancy and indecision, as to what to do; but more powerfully in the confusion of the audience with the action onstage.

In the consciousness of one’s shame being asked to participate, or being required to, by the direction the show has been taken in, one is like anybody before, we might say, the law. But such is the mythic law, the human, and the sad; and not the natural law that would address why it is we are made sad by what should make us happy. In the unhappy consciousness, shame, turning-away, self-suppressing, desexualising at the same moment it auto-oedipalises, we see human consciousness being, acting like the rehearsal for public shaming, turning away, and so on. And, yes, this is its role, given the shape of the symbolic and thrice-greatest foundation myth that is subtractive with being contracted, signed up for the social contract. That this is its role public misapprehension implies, from which private shame draws its inference.

Yet, if the role of consciousness can be seen to be in rehearsal its place is in the invisible work, and the inaudible. Being overheard here on the little stage of the self, the void which makes up that hole, comes before structure, the structure of character, the role, the play, the show and self-display. It prepares it and comes before the production. Only confusion would lead one to invite an audience in to hear one’s private thoughts, and then to take a seat among the spectators. This human participation would be the opposite direction to go in if we want to avoid shame, sadness and misunderstanding.

Should we want to increase joy we might respect the process, attend to the production in ourselves of what is not yet a human subject, overhearing the animal cries and invisible vegetative states, the stony stares, of us, and move from one to an other. We can move by way of fractions, degrees of difference: time fractures the natural surface, it is fractal. In movement, changing the subject, the myth may be undone; because, in turn, founding the myth, we have the dream of being human: to which art is antidote.

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luz es tiempo
point to point
theatrum philosophicum
thigein & conatus

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